What is happy?

Are you happily married? What's your secret?

I am very happily married - at least that's what I thought. Until I was told otherwise.

To me, happily married means that there is mutual respect between both partners. No major secrets. No seeded resentment. A "common goal." A unified voice against a common enemy: racism, intolerance, the swine flu or misbehaving children.  A desire to please, or assist the other. I scratch your back, you make the coffee? And the affection that is evident by the absence of all others and the presence of a kiss somewhere on my face or neck, or a hand on the small of my back while i wash the dishes. Love.

Trying to undress me while I brush my teeth? Sex.

Does sex equal love? Or is it a lack of sex which implies the opposite? Where does sex rank in importance in the union of marriage? And how does it equate to happiness? For me, and most of my friends, it's the gravy. A celebration of love that is poured about as frequently as the good champaign.  Is this frequency indicative of an unhappy marriage? Or a product of having graduated to a simpler form of communication?  "If you change a diaper before I have  to ask- I know you love me." So says a Stay-at-home- mother of almost 3.

I am not an idiot. I know that men are primal and have needs. But will meat and potatoes and sex keep your husband around? Or  do we need the push up bras and lipstick that our foremothers donned for the arrival of their man at the end of the day? Or is it more? Do we need the degree in order to demand? Do we need to keep  the minivan as orderly as his briefcase?  Or our ass as tight? Maybe its all of these things: the insecurities that keep our sweatpants on and our lingerie folded neatly in the one drawer which has maintained the dignity we used to have before baring children.

I have been challenged. I  need your help. Please weigh in. Is it enough to love your husband without wanting to take your clothes off? Or is it selfish? Or has isolation and PBS diluted our idea of happiness? What is happy? And how do you know when you've stopped being it?