Are you happily married? What's your secret?
I am very happily married - at least that's what I thought. Until I was told otherwise.
To me, happily married means that there is mutual respect between both partners. No major secrets. No seeded resentment. A "common goal." A unified voice against a common enemy: racism, intolerance, the swine flu or misbehaving children. A desire to please, or assist the other. I scratch your back, you make the coffee? And the affection that is evident by the absence of all others and the presence of a kiss somewhere on my face or neck, or a hand on the small of my back while i wash the dishes. Love.
Trying to undress me while I brush my teeth? Sex.
Does sex equal love? Or is it a lack of sex which implies the opposite? Where does sex rank in importance in the union of marriage? And how does it equate to happiness? For me, and most of my friends, it's the gravy. A celebration of love that is poured about as frequently as the good champaign. Is this frequency indicative of an unhappy marriage? Or a product of having graduated to a simpler form of communication? "If you change a diaper before I have to ask- I know you love me." So says a Stay-at-home- mother of almost 3.
I am not an idiot. I know that men are primal and have needs. But will meat and potatoes and sex keep your husband around? Or do we need the push up bras and lipstick that our foremothers donned for the arrival of their man at the end of the day? Or is it more? Do we need the degree in order to demand? Do we need to keep the minivan as orderly as his briefcase? Or our ass as tight? Maybe its all of these things: the insecurities that keep our sweatpants on and our lingerie folded neatly in the one drawer which has maintained the dignity we used to have before baring children.
I have been challenged. I need your help. Please weigh in. Is it enough to love your husband without wanting to take your clothes off? Or is it selfish? Or has isolation and PBS diluted our idea of happiness? What is happy? And how do you know when you've stopped being it?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Our foremothers were not all June Cleavers. Yes. I think somewhere over the last 50 years, television, PBS and soap operas have diluted our ideas of happiness, sexy, and real life. Not that I watch soap operas, but a girl who hates motorcycles has found a new *perfect man* in Jax Teller. As much as I wish I could be a June Cleaver, and wish I lived in another time, I admit to donning the lipstick and blow-outs, and vacuming before the arrival of my caveman. These are the few and far between days that this mama wants a little extra attention. The good champain is usually replaced with Mich-Ulta around here, which is fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Except for when it's not. Bring on the champaign. Bring on the highheels and push-up bras. No sleep till Brooklyn. Happily a night of goood champaign often leads to a few nights of good champaign. When we realize what we've been missing. But inevitably, we end up going back to our Mich-Ultra, PS3, meet me in bed before Entourage nights. Which is just FINE. Happiness is everchanging. Today it is the bliss that the rain is finally melting the snow. Caveman at work... Friday night movie night. Fine.
ReplyDeleteWhoever told you otherwise will one day find happiness in Mich-Ultra, and get it.
Happiness is completely subjective.
ReplyDeleteIn my little slice of reality sex is important in my marriage. We get downright ornery without it. Its almost like a release for us and it brings us closer as its something we do together -for each other and ourselves. Its the one thing we do that doesn't involve any stressors, work, house stuff, kids...its just us.
Its not like there are periods of time when its just not happening ...but then we must make the effort or we're simply coexisting in our home. Its kind of like exercising. If you take a break for whatever reason, you have to get started up again and that's the toughest part. But also like exercising, its good to mix it up and try new things so you don't get bored and stop because...well why bother....that's just me.
Ha! It's Sexercise! ~X:o)
ReplyDeleteYou got it sister....don't forget to stretch or you might get a cramp!
ReplyDeleteSo, I've been up since stupid o'clock and your blog was bouncing around in my head and I feel I need to add a bit more here. Its still a stupid hour, so bear with me...
ReplyDeleteI threw out that happiness is subjective but just left it hanging. Its true. I can't tell you if you're happy or if your marriage is happy. That is for you to know. Your happiness might be in a pair of sweat pants, a can of pabst or a slap and tickle. If that's what makes you happy, that's what makes you happy.
For me, I would only be happy with the slap and tickle. I only wear sweats if I'm working out and would never leave the house in them unless I'm going running. (I don't allow anyone to leave the house in sweats unless they are going to exercize -I'm a nazi). I put on makeup everyday. I blow dry my hair everyday. I do all this because it makes ME happy. I like to look good. I like to be treated well and when I'm put together and go to the store I am treated very well and with respect and if I'm not put together well, I'm treated like a cow. All of these things effect me.
I found I was wearing sneakers everyday to keep up with the kids, I traded them in for some stylish flats. My jeans all have stretch so I can move and feel like I look good. My tops all have to be practical for bending over, crouching down and wrestling around on the floor. I still wear lingerie and buy more stuff to accomodate my changing body (thank you two kids and aging!) so I still feel sexy in it. I can't wear the same stuff I did when I was 22. I have it and I hope one day I will be able to, but come on....
If I'm happy, Hubs is happy.
I like the house clean and Hubs likes it tidy. I hire a cleaner to keep me happy and do my best to tidy up before he comes home from work to keep him happy.
I love to cook so there is almost always a home cooked meal for the family. But, that is what makes ME happy. I pride in feeding my family quality food.
Luckily, I do have a husband who's motto is, "Happy wife = Happy life." So, here we are, just doing our best to make each other happy, doing our jobs and maintaining our positions: He makes the house and I make the home. It might sound like its the 1950's over here and maybe it is. But, I don't feel second class, I don't feel oppressed. I have freedom to do as I wish, within the parameters of being a stay at home mother and a wife -which were my choices. My husband also has freedom to do as he wishes within the parameters of being a father and a husband (except leave the house wearing sweatpants.)
Hopefully, from all this pre-coffee gibberish, you're getting that its different strokes for different folks and whoever told you that you don't have a happy marriage (unless it was your Hubs -that's a whole other ball of wax) should shove their head up their ass. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and I'm not particularly interested in being subjected to them.